Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.

It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.

You win again, life.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…

… the end.

As a parent, I spend far too much time identifying what’s stuck to the ceiling.

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast

It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.

I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best

I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.