[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
You Might Also Like
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.