Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*

Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’

On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”

me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school

spy hq: none suspect you, right?

me: roger

spy hq: keep her in sight

[later]

teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?

me: i’ve been made

spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”

my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?

Dieting is bullshit.

The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time

No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up

ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

How about I get 100% off by already being there

High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.

all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real

It’s crazy that we get one toothbrush as a kid and we have to use it once a week for the rest of our lives.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

Superman’s Google searches:

“Strongest hero”

“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”

“Fastest hero”

“Fastest hero. Not Flash”

“Phone booth for sale”

with both parents in the hospital the second most asked question i get after “how are they” is “how is your husband doing with the kids when you’re gone all the time?”

im going to start telling people he was unable to handle them so he sold them to the circus

Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.

Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.