April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
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Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Her: Prove that you care about me
Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.