@tastefactory

[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*

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@krisv_723

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

@HyenaEars

Everyone please stop doing crimes because sirens are too noisy.

@WilliamAder

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

@CauseWereGuys

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?” She has been talking nonstop for the last two days.

@truegritrumble

ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.

@murrman5

[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now

@Sean_Burgundy_

Her: Prove that you care about me

Me: *Takes my phone off the charger and plugs in hers

@moooooog35

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

@nayele18

Can’t afford those fancy water parks, so I just throw cups of water in my kids faces when they least expect it.