Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys

Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you

ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me

This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.

I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.

If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.

When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.

*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.

Me: Uhhh

F: Really into Craft Beer.

Me:

F: He has a podcast.

Me: That’s every man I know.

Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

[choking to death on a sushi roll]

CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat

Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.

Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.

me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.