Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

ME: I think I chipped a tooth

GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time

*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands

Fights fire with marshmallows

I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.

Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.

Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep

Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.

He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking

Me: I will one day

Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

[Before the post office was invented]

SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document

PIGEON: *simply existing*

SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy