[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
A classic example of a cat being a cat.