Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon

Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-

Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.

🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!

– Bon Schröedi

Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?

Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”

The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.

cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—

me: lemme stop you right there. yes

Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.

No YOU’RE not worded correctly.

Everyday is leg day when you’re running from your problems

Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!

mugger: GIMME UR MONEY

“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”

[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME

Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.

has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?

There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

earlier I was standing in a queue to get into a show with my producer and she pointed at someone and said, “that’s Gerard Butler” and I sort of did a friendly wave at him, because I didn’t know who Gerard Butler was and I thought he was maybe one of her friends

Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.

Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.

See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA