Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

her: your costume is highly inappropriate

me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha

her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*

FRIEND: Is that… pudding?

*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought

I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”

hitman: who am I killing?

dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?

hitman: rings a bell

dog: that’s right

What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster

Therapist: go on

Me: oh so you’re taking her side now

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island

I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.

My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl

Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold

Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude

Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant

I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.

Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.

me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no

[Argument at family dinner]

Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.

Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.