Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.

Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.

Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”

So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.

Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job

Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.

Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?

Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.

If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

[after losing a rap battle]

me: I didn’t realize how much rhymed with jorts