Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?

Me: garden hose is fine thanks

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party

The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”

*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*

I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?

Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.

Yoda: A Jedi, you will not be. Train Chewbacca, I will.

Luke: But why?

Yoda: Better piggyback rides, he gives.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.

Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”

People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for

Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.

Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.

“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.

Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.

If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.

After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now

*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.

I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game