Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.

“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”

-Netflix.

I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.

If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.

“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?

How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.

Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.

My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.

*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No

Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped

superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling

batman: dude, you can fly…

superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder

batman: what

Classified ad:

Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.

[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.

The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.

JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

BOSS: how was your weekend?

ME: oh man i got so high

BOSS: it’s against company policy-

ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon

BOSS: oh, haha well then-

ME: then the edibles kicked in

I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.

A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience