Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.

[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]

Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches

who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?

I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.

This is my bus stop.

8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff

Me: like what?

8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension

Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother

8yo: what older brother?

Me: exactly!

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

Me: You want me to wear a rubber?

Her: ideally, you’ll wear two for extra protection.

Me: But I like to be able to feel the dishes as I wash them

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

Ask your child how many minutes they think are left on a car journey instead of them asking you.

lost dog

people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.

If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s

The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

[swimming pool]

me: do you have family changing facilities?

clerk: yes we do

me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.