Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula

I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.

MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!

ME: that is sound advice

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

[before date]

friend: make everything about her

[date]

waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*

me: *to date* this is all your fault

Bringing home a sharpie

in today’s fast-paced world we simply don’t have time for CEOs to be visited by three Christmas ghosts

Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.

I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.

If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.

Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term

Me: Don’t kid yourself

Kanye West Presents:

KANYE ON BROADWAY

Featuring:

“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”

I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok

Every single bad day happened because I woke up

It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in

I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Siri, where did I go wrong?

Siri: How long you got?

In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic

[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!

My wife just looked over at me, dreamy look in her eyes, sighed deeply, and said ever so softly, “I love soup.”

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.

Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.

The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.