Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.

FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.

[bank heist]

rob: what’s the plan

me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank

rob: it’s “rob”

me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank

Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?

Doctor: We can try, but I never met him

Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.

Secure web server:

> Email/password please.

Insecure web server:

> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?

Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.

Him: i like you

Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea

[therapy session]

THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park

ME: nuh uh

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

[Me as a babysitter]

ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out

HER: My son is Robert

ME: We have 2 problems

They irony of being hit by a Dodge.

Hey! This isn’t my car!

when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.

Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child

DON’T make this weird…

(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)

Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”

Dog owners: we did two years of research and carefully picked the most suitable breed

Cat owners: I took garbage out one night

Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date

Wrong

We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable

“Don’t forget Romans and countrymen!”

Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.

if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo