Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would

Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.

Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.

I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

Him: Is this a sex thing?

Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.

*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”

You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.

A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot

Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.

Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.

Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.

It has been years and it never stops being funny.

3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.

Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?

The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”

Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed

Laundry:

Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days

Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.

I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.

As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?