Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:

My husband got me flowers!

I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework

I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry

I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.

Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists

wife: she’s three

me: I don’t care how many she is

My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.

“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

[pearly gates]

Pete:

Me:

Pete:

Me: was it my browser history?

Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.