Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

[Christmas shopping]

me: I’m looking for a toy for my son

clerk: how old?

me: something new please

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

I don’t always push on pull doors but when I do, I do it two or three times to confirm how dumb I really am.

“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch

Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

My brain when someone says something shitty to me: ok 😔

My brain when I’m trying to fall asleep 3 months later: Know what you could’ve said? bro you are not gonna believe this, it’s perfect. But actually if you don’t like that one, I came up with 17 other options ok ready

Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.

“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers

Spring cleaning checklist…

I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.

Did you breast feed him as a baby?

“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”

money maker

[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]

(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name

I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.

20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!

30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!

40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!

It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹

Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.

I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.