Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@SvnSxty

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

@fro_vo

*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”

@T_Bonezzz_

Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman

@Bearslietoo

My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.

@djdarrellripley

Her: A girl named “Bambi” called 6 times to see if you could go skinny dipping.. So, do you have a thing to say for yourself?

Me: Can I go?

@ArfMeasures

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

@ellewasamistake

box: meow

schrodinger: ignore that

@hello_saylor

Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.

@TheIntComShow

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

@Jamberee13

My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly