ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
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I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Every photo I’m tagged in
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
damn he’s good
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.