finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
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*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
My favorite part about being an adult is that my pillow fort now has a mini bar.
Her: A girl named “Bambi” called 6 times to see if you could go skinny dipping.. So, do you have a thing to say for yourself?
Me: Can I go?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
schrodinger: ignore that
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly