[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
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The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*