zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
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*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
**reads: not by the hair of my chinny chin chin
As a kid: what tf does that mean?
Turns 40: ohhhhh
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
My son said if a baby comes out feet first technically it wears its mom as a hat and I can’t unsee this.
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Friday night party time 🥳
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
eating my hot dog hamburger style