zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
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That’s no pocket rocket.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
This is my pinned tweet
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
My exorcist thinks we should see other demons
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Look at this
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Fluff me with a fork baby