zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
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Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.