zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
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ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”
– Me yesterday
I regret everything….
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Why are Facebook divorce announcements always like “it is with great sadness we have decided to end our journey together to take our own paths” and not “I can’t stand Cody anymore” or “We can no longer tolerate being in the same room any longer”?
Peace was never an option
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Message from the dog groomers
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
