[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
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Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.