Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good

My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.

Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.

There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

“I’m helping” 😅

Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.

In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.

Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

you: ant-man

me, an intellectual: uncle

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.

Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you

Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours

Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.

all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper