[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
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My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
This time of year I randomly remember going to this chaotic family dinner. I made a comment about how peanuts grow in the ground like potatoes instead of on a tree. My brother in law couldn’t accept this, called me a liar, yelled when it was googled & has not spoken to me since.
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I am now afraid to click on any celebrity name trending it just keeps getting worse and worse
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot