ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards