Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?

Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

:/

My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles

We don’t have a dog

Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.

ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?

Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.

When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

My signature move is illegal in 37 states.

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .

I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.

Thank you to the army of faceless accounts boosting my content

5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China