ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.
Librarian: Oh, like the author!
Me: Huh?
Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!
Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.
Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
I’ve started taking a brisk walk straight after dinner and it’s saving me an absolute fortune on restaurant bills.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”