ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
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My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”