Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch

Me: Oh… that’s too bad

10yo: we can just move the couch…

Me: no we can’t!

10yo: yes we can…

Me: the couch is bolted down!

10yo: it’s not…

Me: you don’t know that!

10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM

What.

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.

Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff

me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner

*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*

I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.

Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.

Librarian: Nice try, pal.

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?

Do you just call them and say you can’t come

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

Whenever I see Chris Hemsworth in a movie I just assume it’s a Thor sequel I never got around to seeing

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

😐

I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.

Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

[working in a nail salon]

Me: How short would you like me to bite them?

I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname