Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.

Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.

Me: Do I have to?

Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.

Me: *moonwalks to the car*

“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.

My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone

ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?

ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.

“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church

Alarm clock set for 6:00 am

Bladder set for 5:54 am

Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this

Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.

Let me know when they read a book.

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while

If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.

Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life