Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
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Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
ATMs should have breathalyzers
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you