Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

our neighborhoods continue to teem with violent migrant street gangs

ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids

If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.

Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

What I say: Maybe.

What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines

Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours

If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi

ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

[CRIME SCENE]

COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!

PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant

To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

Signs you’re a man:

*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.

*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.