Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.

-I almost said Denver 🤦‍♀️

All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.

There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.

if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba

If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…

Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.

if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…

Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners

Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*

Me: here’s the thing Curp

Lowes employee: it’s Curt

Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are

5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit

A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish

Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick

Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.