Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.

After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.

All that money and nothing to chauffer it.

You are what you delete.

#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

The slowest swimmer.

[movie theater concessions]

Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.

Kids: POPCORN!

Wife: seriously!?!

Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.

I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.

We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.

One of my favorite parts of grocery shopping is when somebody else does it for me.

Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.

Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS

Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???

If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*

Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.

I gave a yelp review once.

In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.

Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley

just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year

Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️

She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂

Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?

I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.