Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
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Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
If the NSA is monitoring our texts we are so screwed.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Babe, I need $1000 to buy some crypto. This guy at the bowling alley explained how it works.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
