Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
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If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
stop
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.