Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18

I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner

I had no social life in high school. Even my imaginary best friend had a date for the prom.

Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

[concert parking lot]

SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?

ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.

KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!

SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?

ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.

Me: I love you so much, you know that?

Toddler: *slaps me in the face*

No one:

My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.

Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.

When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things

Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

[at Home Depot]

Cashier: That’ll be $25

Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it

Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84

My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”

We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store

“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush

No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.

Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena