Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?

clerk: going camping?

me: no

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)

I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.

– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?

-No.

– Do you want some?

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:

12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow

Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.

Marriage Counsellor: …

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

lol

my lower back watching me try to live my life

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

4: I reeeallly want Oreos!

Me: but you already had Oreos

4: no I didn’t!

Me: yeah you did

4: no I didn’t!

Me: I saw you eat them

4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

When someone says you are so lazy

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.

i thought lingerie was a type of noodle

my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.

Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.