Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cheapest way to fly is off the handle

[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah

COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.

a group of ocelots is called an awfelot

[1999]

“y2k” making us anxious

[2019]

“k” making us anxious

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’

Me: ‘That’s not right.’

Nav: ‘No shit.’

I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into

ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich

Me: please tell me my future, madame

Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’

Me: awesome

Palm reader: in sharpie

Me: yeah

Palm reader: you’re going to die alone

During a calendar lesson today in first grade…

Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?

6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs

me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did

My fantasy football season is going great

“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”

“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”

“Perfect.”

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*

My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”

[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*

I was visiting my parents yesterday and found this. I’m their only child.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*

*Takes kid to pub*

*Bumps into wife at pub*

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

Weirdos gonna weird.