Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!

Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂

Me: I think my computer’s broken

Boss: just give it to the IT guy

Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck

hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this

11 hands me a tooth & demands money, which means she knows the fairy isn’t real…

but thinks the market for teeth is.

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.

My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

Me: we can’t climb on this

My Kid: the older kids are climbing too

Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to

My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read

Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?

Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.

“I found my charger!!”

– a love story

I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done

My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.

Okay this one takes it home

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.

I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.

Guess we’re both living the dream.

My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man