[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
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If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Omg 🤣
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
Daylight savings is not enough. You need to be daylight investing.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.