[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
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Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I forgot that Tesco opens later on a Sunday and now I’m queuing outside like they’ve released a new tomato or something.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
So that’s what we looked like?
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.