Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why I divorced her.

*chugging beers at 11am*

Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!

Me: That’s today?

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.

*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*

pfft… I could do it in 8

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

i went on a date with a guy who seemed normal over text but once we got a table and sat down he peppered the entire conversation with loud wwe impersonations and then mansplained wrestlemania until we paid the bill and i dipped tf out of there

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.

If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.

The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.

It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.

Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.

Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”

When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.

I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

If You Take a Mom to Target:

If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.

Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.

👇

Thou shalt not commit adulthood

Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed

ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*

Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”

You know. Like a book.

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.