Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare

When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

I tell the kids that if they ever get lost to just find an Amazon truck and follow it because there’s a pretty good chance it’s coming to our house.

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

my 9yo: does your friend Scott know that he could just spell his name with one t and it would sound exactly the same?

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.

Think I pulled my liver

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

“uh… dare.”

-Pinocchio

As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.

those birds must be on payroll

I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?