Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenager: Bae swag YOLO

Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.

Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

CSI: North Pole

Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.

Chief: Did you find hoof prints?

Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.

[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?

Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”

My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.

glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST

[eating paste]

Here’s what I think…

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

WFH: Work From Home

my brain: WaFfle House