Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She: I think our sex would be off the charts!
Me: You have sex charts?

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.

[Sound of sellotape ripping]

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

Wife: I took a pregnancy test

Me: positive?

Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

No one

Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel

No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?

I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.

In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

I wish I were a British fighter pilot.

Those dudes are Royal AF.

Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)

My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.

Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.