Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
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My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
Uh oh 👀
*orders delivery*
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Jazz enthusiast: It’s really about the notes they DON’T play.
Me, trying to impress him: Yeah I’m constantly not playing notes. I’m actually not playing notes right now even.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
“Okay Benjamin, now I need you to go outside, point your nose up at the sky, and slowly start turning around. I’ll yell when I get a good signal.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.