Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
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“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I find it creepy when I am walking my dog and a passersby want to know if its a boy or girl. Why?? I’m not letting you have sex with my dog.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.