Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
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Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
I just lived without power for 6 straight days. Hurricane Helene tricked me into camping for a week and I am not amused.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
mathematically impossible
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.