Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
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getting groceries
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Nice injury you got there. Be a real shame if someone added insult to it.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
lost dog
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk