Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
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Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
Just started an episode of 30 Rock and said to my 4-month old baby “this brand of comedy is important to this family so please pay attention.”
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
Ancient cryptic thrice-translated self-contradictory texts are the best way to convey moral precepts.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is