Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’

This used to be a real country.

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers

Woman: you mean he’s

Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care

My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

I enjoy a good short stor

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

People are all like once you turn 30 you never want to leave your house. I was 4.

I get so cross when my 10yr old says I didn’t mean to do it after I tell her off about something. And then I remember that I said those exact words to my mum when I flooded the entire house when I was 14.

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?

I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.

The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.