Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
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Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Just had my nails done!
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?