Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Together, I can beat schizophrenia.

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal

I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”

Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”

>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occur

Wow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?

If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.

The answer is “Nun of the Above”.

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

You wish you had this many chins.

Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!

Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.

Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.

Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.

Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door

I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about

I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.

been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.