Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.

A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

That’s not a tweet.

Alcohol: Yes it is.

[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes

optometrist: again, please hold still

Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?

Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!

7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!

Me: You’re exaggerating.

7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.

Okay, it might have been deep enough.

“Do you want the latest dirt?”

-No, but I appreciate the sediment.

[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?

Me: I rolled it during a marathon.

Doctor: That’s really impressive.

Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

I hate being bipolar it’s awesome

PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.

it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.

Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.

My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.

Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No

g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?

me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared