Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.

Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.

There are 2 kinds of parents

“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”

and

“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”

It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”

doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?

me: yes

doctor: and how about this?

me: yes

doctor: and what about this?

me: please stop kissing my mom

recipe: 1/4 cup fresh cilantro

cilantro at the store: here’s a bouquet. i’ll be rotten tomorrow

If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.

For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak

I imagine if I had a job doing manual labor, I’d be in great shape.

Then I do 15 minutes of manual labor and reality comes back into focus.

Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?

Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”

*watching an old Lassie show

Me: How come you can’t do those things?

Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.