Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.

INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?

ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments

Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.

Well he called it a receipt…whatever.

how to screw with your cat’s head 101

Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.

Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?

*shoots kneecap*

How bout now?

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.

Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.

I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

My child said she wanted to be like me so she put my glasses on top of her head and walked around saying “where are my glasses?!” I feel attacked

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend

Me: Push!

Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.

Me: What did the sign say?

Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((

Me: Rules are rules.

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

Raising Twins

Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?

Me: I literally have no idea.

When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement

I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.

Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.

Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

i wonder why they stopped looking

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.