Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.

Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

[skydiving]

cute instructor: open your chute!

me: lol make me

I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.

Me: omg I’m so tired today

Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.

Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾

Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.

POUTINE TIMELINE

9 PM: I could go for a poutine

9:15: This is god’s delicious gift

9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them

9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning

11 PM: I could go for a poutine

It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”

Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!

“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”

Anxiety.

One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.

My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.

interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”

me: that’s right

interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”

me: he was there

God: you’re a llama.

Llama: I look ridiculous.

God: why do you say that?

Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.

God: that’s not true.

Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (

God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.

I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN

Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?

Quasimodo: I have a hunch.

Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday