[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
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Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.