Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”

Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.

People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

me: why does my back hurt

also me:

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

WIFE: Where are you off to?

ME: Shits & giggles.

WIFE: What?

ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.

Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible

If only

Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.

DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

[Watching the sunset over Paris]

BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*

GF: OH MY GOD!!

BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend

Drunk Draft Folder Contents:

“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”

#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..

I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.

You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.

Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

John Krasinski is People’s Sexiest Man Alive for 2024.

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶