Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”

If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something

*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?

ME: I can’t find my sandals

WIFE: did you look everywhere?

ME: yes

WIFE: even down

ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on

Need tips on making something look like an accident.

Me: I miss baseball

Umpire: Strike one!

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.

sweet dreams💖

Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin

*Dwarves all turn their heads*

Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy

I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet

cat faces on other animals, a thread

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.

[McDonald’s interview]

Interviewer: what if someone asks for ice cream when the machine IS working

Me: *roundhouse kicks the ice cream machine*

Sorry it’s out of order

Interviewer: when can you start?

Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.

Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.

Me: No.

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?

me: im not sure

therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?

me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?

therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist

The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit

Buzz:

Woody: say it again

Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond

Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means

I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE