ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
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No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
There are no pants in heaven.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
#ProTip
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.