ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
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America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door