@sofarrsogud

ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

You Might Also Like

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

@PaperWash

Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?

“Nah”

*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*

Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it

@LlamaInaTux

Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes

Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-

Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one

Me:

Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards

@jaboukie

media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong

@fro_vo

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

@kiel_phillips

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

@Marlebean

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

@samalmightysam

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

@mjkspeaks

*accidentally answers phone call*

*pretends to be answering machine*