ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.

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Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.


Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.


Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.


netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not


me: this is my worst nightmare


[6 month dentist visit]

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Me: Every 6 months


DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.


My tombstone will read: If You Don’t Know Me By Now, You Will Never Ever Ever Know Me.


I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.


Do you think my therapist will be able to tell that I didn’t start my homework till the night before?