I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
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‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
media: *finds out mail bomber is white* Apologetic Man Did Secret Santa Early and Wrong
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*