@TheWadest: Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

@timdonakowski: I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying "et cetera."

@behindyourback: If you're afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.

@sonictyrant: Me: Well boys as one door closes another one opens Submarine crew: *screaming*

@shutupmikeginn: Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%