ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
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The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”