ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
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A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”