ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
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I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
