Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.

Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no

you shouldn’t have to go to work tomorrow if the mayor is getting arrested

Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Child: [crying]

Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?

Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!

Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.

If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.

– inventor of steel

“I just got engaged!”

— Starship Enterprise

Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer

Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?

Bear knowledge

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.

how long have you had this for?

[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]

Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-

Dracula’s son: they do the mash

Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash

Church: time to come back

Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK

Church: not you

Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

[on a Ferris wheel]

Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding

I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.

me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me

vet: this is a hyena

The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.

*in an interview*

Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.

Applicant: 5-7PM po.

Me:

Applicant: 8PM.

Me:

I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*