Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
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me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
selfie game
Patient “GO TO HELL”
Me: Sure. Can I get you anything while I’m there?
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Just got a message from my kid’s teacher that she still needs someone to sign up for plates/napkins for the Christmas party and this is a trap, right?
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
ＮＯＡＨ．ＴＨＥＹ ＨＡＶＥ ＴＯ ＢＥ ＡＬＩＶＥ
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
10: I think I want to run the 10k
Me: Girl, you don’t even want to chase down the ice cream truck
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.