Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?

Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.

I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye

Perfect

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.

Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.

Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that

Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

Oh, I bet you would be

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.

[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream

if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

Me: OMG I feel amazing!

WebMD: sounds like cancer!

Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’