Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way

For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

thank god the sign was there

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.

Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.

Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M

My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?

Me: Yes!

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone

“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”

What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?

Impeccable.

I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”

‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing

HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

ME: hannahannahannahannaha

when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap

Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”

Students:

COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?

ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?

COP: I’m listening

dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*