Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[letter to vitamin company]

So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff

If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!

Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.

Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving

Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?

I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.

Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.

– news stations

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.

2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad

I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”

How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise

me: did you have fun on your playdate?

my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.

If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder

Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM

Reason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN

“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”

My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of