Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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Seems legit.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
old lady: that’s not necessary
me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
happy valentine’s day to me
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
(putting my jacket over a woman’s shoulders) I’m actually really cold now haha. It’s ok though. Oh wow it’s super cold. Oh my god
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
When I moved into my new igloo, my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.#dadjokes #dadjoke #puns
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out