Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
*Ghost snatches phone from me*
“Who you gonna call now?”
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of