Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
woke up in the middle of the night to write this down
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
When do elections stop being the most important ones of our lifetime because I’ve been through like 5 of those
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”