Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*

Satan:

Me:

Satan: Give it back…

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

[Me visiting US for the first time]

Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.

He instantly became one of the bros

Well there goes my Wednesday night.

Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.

At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.

It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

Saw your ex at the shops

(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)

I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.

“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.

Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

I’m going back in time to kill whoever invented the wheel so we never have to hear the phrase ‘circling back’

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows

Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?

Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly

FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?

ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?

You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.

8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”

I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.