Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[slashing food truck tires]

friend: wtf are you doing?!

[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.

recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.

Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.

[Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference

ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing

Her: What’s with the bunny?

Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”

Her: Why?

Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.

4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?

Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.

4: Don’t you want to taste them first?

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

9: [doing something dangerous]

me: ok look I’m afraid you’re going to slip, fall and crack your head open and die

9: you’re always afraid of something like that.

Imma get shredded!

Goes to the cheese aisle.

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.

I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.

Now it’s syncing.

#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this

Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?

Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.