[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
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Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The Onion called it…again.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
one of
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.
also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.