@Brampersandon_

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

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@psinerd

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

@minkpinkustink

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

@AlanFelyk

Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.

@meatlobes

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

@HomeProbably

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

@noog

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

@btiici

Wife: I want a divorce

Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.

Wife: then drink the tea I made for you

@AbleLikes

My new cardio routine is just me frantically tearing apart the living room couch looking for the remote, while I Am Legend plays in the background, and my kids scream “The dog scene us coming up! THE DOG SCENE! MOOOOOM!!!!”